🥵💦 Hydrate or die-drate

🏈 Can the GOAT take a joke? We’ll see. Netflix just announced a live roast for none other than our very own DunKing Tom Brady will drop May 5, hosted by Kevin Hart. In the announcement, Hart promises: “No Brady Rule. No Pads. No Mercy.” 

👀 What’s on tap today:

Up first…

💦 The emotional support water bottle trend isn’t new. Hundreds of B-Side readers admitted in a recent poll to owning several of these bottles, often laden with stickers and dents (and likely not getting washed enough). One reader confessed to feeling “naked without it.” 

👍 The bottles that are “in” or “out” are ever-changing. Recently in the world of aluminum appendages, Owala bottles seem to have edged out the viral Stanley cup as the new “it” girl. Both are insulated upgrades from the days of Nalgenes and moldy strawed-CamelBaks. But whether you’re team wide-mouth or straw-mouth, “every student basically walks into class with a water bottle,” said Jennifer Varekamp, professor of fashion design at MassArt.

🎨 Keeping you hydrated isn’t their only function. Varekamp compares the bottles to tech accessories like laptop covers and cellphone cases, all offering the opportunity to personalize your values and viewpoints that you want others to see. “It's like a canvas for collecting stickers,” said South Shore resident Susanne Tortola (you can barely decipher the color of her Hydro Flask because it’s plastered in so many of them). “Every time I go somewhere, I get a sticker, and I put it on one of my water bottles,” she said. 

🤑 Your bottle — and how you style it — can be seen as a status symbol. In a world where owning a home feels out of reach for many young people, some argue these $40+ water bottles are a new middle-class status symbol. The FOMO of not having the latest model gets reinforced through TikTok videos of people unironically showcasing their collection of 30+ bottles and shoppers stampeding Target to grab a limited-edition vessel. “You start to see there are other things in play,” Varekamp said. 

🤦 But it appears we may have lost the plot. Despite the reusable water bottle craze, bottled water still remains the most popular beverage in the U.S., with the sale of single-serving water bottles reaching 11.3 billion gallons in 2022. Simply put: Our overconsumption of reusable water bottles isn’t exactly kicking our single-use habit. “I know the right answer is the environment and reducing one-use plastics, but the truth is, I just like when my bottle matches my shirt,” Seaport resident Jonathan Daniel Bishop admitted. 

🛍️ That said, if you’re buying one, consider shopping small and local. Even Maria Vasco, founder and CEO of UVIDA, Boston’s first zero-waste shop, admits to having a small collection from her store and events she’s attended. She stands by her products and their shipping contents being plastic-free, something that might not always be the case with larger companies, she said.

⛺ Pro-Palestinian encampments are popping up at local colleges. Over the weekend, students at Emerson, MIT, and Tufts set up demonstrations on their respective campuses in support of Palestine, alleging their universities are financially tied to Israel and urging them to call for a ceasefire in Gaza. Recent arrests at similar protests at Columbia and Yale caused uproars, with Columbia moving classes online. Even Harvard closed Harvard Yard until Friday in anticipation of said protests. As of Monday evening, college officials and local police were monitoring the demonstrations.

💸 “It’s giving … Tax-a-chusetts.” — probably New Hampshire and Rhode Island. Mass. Transit Secretary Monica Tibbits-Nutt caused quite a stir with our New England neighbors after floating the idea of adding tolls at state borders at an address to the advocacy group WalkMassachusetts this month. She spoke about looking for new revenue streams to support a long-term, sustainable transit finance plan for Gov. Maura Healey. But the idea was met with swift backlash from local officials in neighboring states, giving them a chance to dig into our “Tax-a-chusetts” stereotype (and prompting Healey to dismiss the possibility).

🦃 It’s officially turkey attack season. And folks at MassWildlife have a few words of warning: Come spring, turkey breeding season can make the birds particularly aggressive, which if unchecked, can (and will) cause some serious damage. That’s why they’re reminding the public to follow two very important pieces of advice: Never, ever feed them, and if you find yourself being chased or followed, be aggressive. That means shouting, throwing things, waving, whatever you have to do to show them who's boss.

🚗 Forget a house — at this rate, we’ll never be able to afford parking. Here’s some news that might just be your final straw: According to the Globe, in some swanky parts of Downtown Boston, it’s not uncommon for a prime parking spot to sell for half a million dollars. Yes, you read that right. And although high-end realtors have plenty of justifications for the mind-boggling prices (think: “property values downtown are just that high!”, and “$500,000 really isn’t that much money,”) we’re totally flabbergasted.

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After 249 years, it might be time to shake up our state motto. Since its application in 1775, our current state motto: “Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem” (that’s Latin for “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty”) has served us well.

But folks over at “The Onion” have a new idea for what could replace it. Their suggestion: “We don't understand why we pay that much to live here either.” It doesn’t quite have the classic charm of the OG, but it does feel more … accurate.

The satirical site put together updated mottos for all 50 states, featuring sharp zingers like Michigan’s “Don’t drink the water,” and more long-winded rebrands like New Hampshire’s “Live free or — well, not exactly die, because that would be catastrophizing, which our therapist has us working on, but certainly live a slightly worse life.”

You can see the whole list of state motto changes here. 

— Written by Gia Orsino and Emily Schario

☕ Thanks for reading! Another great option: “ego te accipere medium praestrictus cum crepito,” which we’re sure is a spot-on translation for “I’ll take a medium iced with cream.”

🚶 The results are in: 44% of B-Siders’ preferred method of getting outdoors in the city is a good, old-fashioned hot girl walk. One reader gave a very specific suggestion: “The best outdoor activity in Boston is kayaking on Jamaica Pond and then getting a drink on Centre Street, and those are the facts.”

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